Holy crap. Crap crap crap crap. The interview with FPO is out and it wasn't just a bad dream. I thought I was using my "inside head" voice:
Once, again, I'm really sorry and apologize profusely for putting "Yangblog" and "Bootylicious" into the same sentence. Words have power and this was beyond reckless.
To make matters worse, Yangblog forgot media has the power to ALTER REALITY. To my horror, people suddenly find me "bootylicious".
For example:
1) Guys keep looking down my shirt. I'm constantly having to tell them my eyes are "up here".
2) Everybody keeps talking about my "money maker". I thought they were talking about my computer. I just figured out IT'S NOT MY COMPUTER.
3) Friends ask me to stand up and turn around.
4) People are staring at me on the subway. They are staring with an uncomfortable wanting stare. Hello, I HAVE A BRAIN.
5) Nobody asks my opinion about anything anymore. Unless it is about pilates.
6) Abby keeps asking "how's it shaking?". We've been together for 12 years. She never asks how's it shaking.
If you will excuse me, a magazine in China is asking for an interview.
Yangblog with a Chinese fortune book. Too bad I can't read it since it's written in CHINESE.
People keep telling me they want the Yangblog holiday. They want the swag. They want the jet-setting lifestyle. They want the adulation. People must be talking about a different Yangblog because I have no idea what the hell they are talking about.
To live the Yangblog Holiday lifestyle is to wait for DOOM to rear it's ugly head.
For example:
1) Abby has a new Macbook for an early Christmas present. The Fedex guy came in the morning with a small package which had to be the memory for Abby's computer. I told Abby I was going to install the memory. She told me not to destroy her computer. Yangblog almost DESTROYED HER COMPUTER by pulling and yanking parts. When I opened the Fedex box, I was shocked to find a gift from my sister and NOT THE MEMORY. Yangblog is an expert at taking computers apart. I suck at putting computers back together. I am always wincing whenever Abby starts up her Macbook.
2) Holidays are about depressed people at emotional crossroads. Yangblog can NEVER keep stories straight. Some have broken up with people, some are going to break up with people, some have the tragedy of losing a loved one. Here is a typical holiday conversation with Yangblog this year:
Me: "Happy holidays! How's the little lady?"
Friend: "We split up."
Me: "Oh man, I'm really sorry."
Friend: "What are you talking about? YOU WERE THERE during the shouting match!"
Me: "Riiiiight. . . . You know my mom passed away this year, right?"
Friend" "Wow. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom."
Me: "Thanks."
Thanks mom for getting me out of jams this season.
3) Abby is VERY CONCERNED. Every year she reads my Chinese fortune. This year many "cherry blossoms" will surround me while Abby is away which means women will want to BE NICE to Yangblog. Therefore, I must avoid blossoms at ALL COSTS. The fortune also says Abby might have a bad temper so I have to overlook her outbursts. Yangblog just realized Abby is BRILLIANT. This has been my fortune for the last 10 years.
4) Since Yangblog is Korean, Chinese fortunes probably don't apply. Dammit. I have been stressed out all these years for nothing.
5) Every Christmas goes by and I get wonderful and thoughtful gifts, but I never get the gift I've always wanted. Yangblog never gets a Shetland pony. It's okay. I'm an adult and having a pony would be ridiculous. Seriously, even if I got one, where would I put it? I live in a two bedroom apartment in Brooklyn for crying out loud. We're not allowed to keep hamsters in the storage room, let alone ponies. I suppose I could keep him with the super if I tipped him, but forget about it. It is nonsense.
Yangblog is sure everybody knows a Trekkie they would love to tape to a flagpole. Trekkies go on and on about the superiority of "Star Trek". They talk about humanity. They talk about "Federation" ideals. They talk about "Star Trek" canon. These are not reasons for watching "Star Trek". These are reasons why the post-Kirk "Star Trek" franchise made everybody SLEEPY.
Yangblog has a list for why the original "Star Trek" is fun. If you watch the show through my eyes, you will enjoy it too:
1) The uniforms are primary colors. Primary colors are pretty. Yangblog loves knowing who is going to die before THEY know they are going to die. Hitchcock called this suspense. The guy in the red shirt NOT NAMED SCOTTY always dies. He's the 60's version of Kenny from "South Park".
2) Captain Kirk is unintentionally funny. William Shatner was a good actor before he got "Star Trek" on the brain. He gets progressively worse during the series. Shatner wears a girdle in the later episodes. Yangblog loves slow motion train wrecks.
3) Not only does Captain Kirk overact, Dr. McCoy overacts. It is always fun watching the two having an overacting competition.
4) Captain Kirk gets into fistfights with everybody.
5) Captain Kirk makes out with ANY ALIEN in the universe. Yangblog wants to know which alien Kirk did NOT find attractive. Aliens who were attractive wore very little clothing. Yangblog is convinced this was a metaphor for "Europe"
6) Kirk and Uhura have the first INTERRACIAL kiss on TV! Since this could have caused Armageddon in the 60's, they kissed because they were forced to kiss by supernatural forces. Speaking of racial stuff, Scotty is a Scott who loves to drink and fight. I am sure nobody in Scotland is offended by Scotty.
Kirk and Uhura. Not only were they forced to kiss, they were forced to wear these costumes.
7) Spock is lame with the ladies, but women still want him. This gives Yangblog hope.
8) Spock has a lame haircut but women still want him. Yangblog had the same haircut. Every Asian boy in the sixties had the same haircut. This gave a generation of male Asians hope.
9) Sulu has a better haircut than Spock. It's a bad haircut, but it's better than Spock's.
10) Spock rarely lost his temper, but when he did, Spock KICKED ASS. For Yangblog, this is a reason NOT to watch "Star Trek". Whenever I lost my temper, MY ASS got kicked. People would look at me incredulously and ask, "Who do you think you are? Spock?"
11) The women crew members wore miniskirts and go-go boots. This makes no sense, but Yangblog doesn't care. Now that I think of it, forget points 1-10. This is reason enough to watch Star Trek.
If you will excuse me, I need to mark an appointment on my calendar.
Abby told a story at dinner the other night which has HAUNTED MY SOUL.
There is a bean in Hong Kong is known as a "Holland" bean. A Chineses friend of hers was having dinner with friends in the Holland. When the meal was served, he saw the bean.
"Hey!", he said. "This is a Holland bean!!"
"What are you talking about?", said the Dutch friends, "We call this is a Chinese bean."
As you can imagine, Yangblog was HEARTBROKEN. Poor little bean. The bean is called Chinese in the Holland and Holland in China becauese the bean HAS NO HOME. Yangblog knows what it is like to feel like a Holland Bean. Or Chinese Bean. Whatever.
Many times have I walked the heartless streets of Brooklyn feeling like an outsider. Many days I have worn my "Brooklyn" t-shirt and known it was a LIE. True, it's because I'm a Korean from Oklahoma, but I would like to fit in. Yangblog wants to be a Brooklyn bean.
Then just like the bean, I go to Hong Kong, Japan, or Korea and feel like a stranger in a strange land. Maybe it is because I am in a strange land and have no idea WHERE THE HELL I AM but that's not the point. I'm talking beans here.
Like the homeless bean, Yangblog has no place to rest his head. No, it's not because I don't have a home, it's because Abby steals all the pillows while we are asleep.
I would love to go on an on, but Abby just made dinner.
Nothing will make you melancholy like coming back from a sun-drenched trip to a winter in ETERNAL DARKNESS. With this in mind, it is time for the top Yangblog regrets!
1) When I was little, mom would buy an ice cream cone for me during errands. Sometimes it was one scoop. Sometimes it was two scoops. One day mom bought a TRIPLE SCOOP. As I happily licked the top scoop, it fell to the floor and mom pulled me out of the store as I stared at the fallen scoop.
I should have broken away from mom, grabbed the scoop and put it back on my cone.
2) A salesman at an Armani store was giving a demonstration for a new suit and fabric. The suit was a trim dark three-button suit with flat front pants. To my SHOCK AND DISMAY, he crunched the suit into a tiny ball. He shook it out and it looked IMPECCABLE. Yangblog was impressed, but did not buy the suit. The suit later sold out.
Occasionally the suit will pop into my head and I will yell, "DAMMIT!" for no apparent reason.
3) There was one Indian guy who used to goof on me for being ASIAN. The irony of the situation always caused me to hold my tongue. Ironically, one of my best voices is a purposely horrible impersonation of an Indian accent. It's sort of a "What a racist would do if he were doing an Indian accent" thing. Trust me, my impersonation is so WRONG, I never use it. Even if you beg me, I will refuse. Yangblog's purpose is to heal people, not scar people.
In his case, I should have broke it out.
4) I should have never eaten spam with butter.
5) I should have never made my regrets public.
If you will excuse me, I need to finish uploading programs for Abby's new black Macbook I bought for Christmas.
Yangblog likes the National Football League Giants. The Giants are having a great year. What could ruin things for the Giants? How about its best receiver SHOOTING HIMSELF IN THE LEG?
1) Brazilians move to the front of the line in Yangblog's book for politeness. People are always willing to help with advice. Brazilians get a slight demerit because half the time, the advice is WRONG.
2) When you think Brazil, you think soccer. Yangblog has decided Garrincha is his favorite Brazilian player. What makes Garrincha special is he was a star with a DEFORMED LEFT LEG. Songs have been written about Garrincha. The fact that Yangblog has a bad left knee from a partially torn ACL had no influence on my choice whatsoever.
3) Much thanks to Billy from Argentina for recommending a solution to my water without gas dilemma. As you recall, water without gas is the only thing I know how to order in Portuguese. She recommended I ask for agua de coco which is coconut water. Unfortunately, Yangblog ordered agua de coca which is water with COCAINE. Yangblog has been chasing after scared Brazilians and screaming for MORE AGUA DE COCA for the past 48 hours.
4) While buying a book at a local store, the cashier asked for my home address for credit purposes. I told her I was from the United States. She beamed and said, "I love the United States". I told her I loved Brazil and she beamed again. Try not to cry from this touching moment of people and cultures connecting on this big blue marble we call Earth.
Enough talk, final pictures!
Beach Soccer. I asked if I could play. They asked where I was from. I said Brooklyn by way of Oklahoma. My Portuguese is not good, but I'm pretty sure they said HELL NO.
Yangblog and Kiko Farkas. Farkas is a designer from Brazil who has been featured in Communication Arts. We met at an opening for his father and it turns out he has used my work in the past. You think Yangblog was lollygagging this whole time in Brazil? Not only was I lollygagging, I was making a busy designer with crazy deadlines lollygag with me.
Yangblog with a "no thanks" sign at churrasco which is Brazilian barbecue. You use this sign after you have eaten yourself into a COMA. Churrasco is basically meat dimsum.
Lunch party at photographer Ormuzd Alves' house. We met Ormuzd who is at the table through Otavio Bastos and Gabriela Lotta who are also at the table. Abby is working on a project with Otavio and we are staying with Otavio and Gabriela. Not only is Yangblog lollygagging, he is making everyone IN THIS PICTURE lollygag with him.
Enough lollygagging, it's time for the Yangs to return to Brooklyn.
1) After the First World War, Jews escaped to Brazil from Europe. They were thrilled to have an ocean to separate themselves from their old lives. Imagine their chagrin after the Second World War when Ex-Nazi's flooded to Brazil for safety.
2) Everybody is impressed when I order water without gas in Portuguese. Nobody told me how to order water without gas. I asked in Spanish and got lucky it is very close to Portuguese. Yangblog loves positive reinforcement so I am always ordering water without gas to impress Brazilians. Unfortunately, I am now very waterlogged.
3) We are staying with a Brazilian couple in Sao Paulo. They are very very Brazilian. I don't know what this means, but trust me, they are BRAZILIAN. We were watching a TV show with tanned, beautiful Brazilians who spend their days frolicking on beaches. I told them we thought all Brazilians live like this. They want to meet these Brazilians because they don't know ANYBODY with this lifestyle.
4) Everybody was freaking me out about crime before I traveled to Brazil. You have to be careful, but Yangblog has felt very safe. Sometimes we ask our guests if we can walk in certain parts of town and they will say something like, "FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, NO!!!!!!" This does freak me out
5) If you want to place your bets on which Samba school will win Carnival in Sao Paulo, put your money on Escola de Samba Vai-Vai. Watching rehearsals is more fun than watching the actual Carnival because you get an up-close view. I hate bucket lists, but put this on your list of things to see before you die. You also get to feel like James Bond. Unfortunately, you get to feel like Roger Moore's version of James Bond.
6) I'm liking Escola de Samba Vai-Vai's chances because the band members and Samba dancers were very nice to ME. As you know, a random meeting with Yangblog can determine your FATE.
Enough small talk, here's the Escola de Samba Vai Vai pictures!
How big is a band for Carnival? Most of the people in this photo are IN THE BAND.
Designers create costumes and PAY to be part of Escola de Samba Vai-Vai's entry for Carnival. Yangblog really needs to think about starting his own Samba school.
Samba dancer. Yes, she is smiling at ME. Part of her job is to connect with the audience. Clearly the Escole de Samba Vai-Vai warned everybody to BE NICE TO YANGBLOG.
Abby and Yangblog catching Samba fever, Escola de Samba Vai Vai style.
This dancer is competing to be the "hostess" for the Samba Band. She is blurry because she has so much 'mojo', it is impossible to catch her in a single frame.
It is bad enough I steal photos from Abby, I am now stealing video. Here are Samba dancers being coached by the dancer in black. Samba is serious, serious business.
Dance off between the two leading dancers for the right to be "hostess" of the band. Yangblog is rooting for the dancer on the left because she was very nice and made sure I had a photo of her. The dancer on the right is a GIANT SNOTBALL and I refused to shoot her picture. I was not going to take this shot but Abby insisted. She asked when was I ever going to see two female Brazilian dancers over 6 feet tall in miniskirts dancing for our approval. Sometimes Abby has flawless logic.
