Yangblog Lived Here? Say It Isn't So!

Yesterday I had dinner with friends who used to live across from us in our old building. My friends had shocking news:

Someone has moved into our old apartment.

As you can imagine, I was stunned and hurt. I had lived in the apartment for 14 years and was a MODEL CITIZEN. Yangblog assumed they would "retire" the apartment in a similar way sport teams retire numbers of great athletes. A plaque in the lobby with my rent stubs would have been nice. Renaming the unit "The Yang Suite" would have been perfect.

Whatever.

The new tenant is a businessman in his fifties who is polite, but reserved. Since Yangblog does not want to come across as a WHINY BITCH, here are some answers to questions he might have about the apartment:

1) There is a tiny black rock-like substance in the hallway which cannot be moved. Occasionally loose objects will fly into the object and DISAPPEAR. Do not be alarmed. This is a giant dust bunny I had neglected for 14 years. It grew so large it finally collapsed upon itself and turned into a BLACK HOLE. On second thought, you should be alarmed. You have a BLACK HOLE in your apartment.

2) You will notice groove shaped gouges in the ceiling. These are from my golf clubs. What can I say? Yangblog has a huge "swing arc".

3) You will notice groove shaped gouges in the wood floors. What can I say? My golf swing has to bottom out somewhere.

4) I am sure you are wondering about the giant bowling ball sized dents in the walls throughout the apartment. No, it is not a post-industrial motif. The dents are from my giant head banging against the wall. You may not realize this, but many people want to live the Yangblog life. They want the excitement. They want the thrills. People who want the Yangblog life are NIMCOMPOOPS. Living the Yangblog life means banging your head against the wall ALL THE TIME.

5) If you see a half-eaten chicken parmesan sandwich in the bedroom or living room, please messenger it to me ASAP. I will provide you with my account number. It is a sandwich from Frank's and I had misplaced it months ago. Seriously. Don't eat it or throw it away. That sandwich is MINE.

I hope this has been helpful and may the new tenant have as many happy memories as I did.

One more thing.

You will notice the apartment sometimes smells "gamey".

I swear, it isn't ME.