Don't Worry About Resolutions, I've Got It Covered

It is time to think about resolutions for the next year. No, I'm not talking about resolutions to make me a better person. That would be too hard. I'm talking about resolutions YOU can make which will make the world a better place for ME.

Enough small talk. Let's begin!

1) You resolve to TURN YOUR CELLPHONE OFF whenever you are in a theater or anyplace where you are supposed to keep quiet. If you have problems remembering, you resolve to sit within arm's length of Yangblog so I can smack you around whenever your phone accidentally rings. Contrary to popular belief, negative reinforcement does work.

2) You resolve to use your INSIDE VOICE while talking on your cellphone in a train or indoor public setting. Disregard this resolution if you are arguing loudly with your spouse or partner. These conversations are entertaining.

3) You resolve to NEVER SING while listening to your iPod in public. Nobody cares what you like. If you cannot resist singing, you resolve to not use your hands in that stupid "note scaling" manner a la Mariah Carey.

4) You resolve to not lean on the poles in the subway car. If you are leaning against a pole and find yourself temporarily disabled by my special KNUCKLE TO THE SPINE grip on the pole, you will apologize and MOVE TO ANOTHER POLE. You also resolve to not spread your legs like a PORN STAR while sitting and taking up unnecessary seating space.

5) If you are NOT A SENIOR, you resolve to not sit in seats reserved for seniors. If you are a senior, you are permitted to STARE AT THE OFFENDER until they slink away. I promise to clap slowly and rhythmically until the whole bus or subway starts clapping to create a clapping wall of sound.

6) If you are involved in the movie business, you resolve to never make a movie with Renee Zellweger. Actually, this resolution makes the world a better place for everyone. Except maybe Renee Zellweger.

7) Special resolution for Abby. Abby resolves to never make the "Renee Zellweger" face when looking at me. She knows I HATE the "Renee Zellweger" face.

8) If you are in a Beard Papa cream shop and see me in line, you resolve to NOT take the last eclair cream puff. This would be the cream puff with the vanilla bean custard and dark chocolate frosting. I saw it first.

This should be enough for one year. With hard work, this world can be a better place.

For me.

Thank you for your cooperation.

What Do Illustrators REALLY Talk About?

Trust me, NOBODY needs to know, but conversations go something like this:



Stewie and Brian: How's the novel?

Hey Yangblog! Can We Have One More Holiday Confession?

Santa threw me a bone. It was a bountiful Christmas for Yangblog. Abby gave me a new iPod Classic! She is brilliant at picking up hints. My main hint was, "If I don't get an iPod Classic, this holiday will have been a complete FAILURE." Trust me, living with a bitterly disappointed Yangblog can be an ugly, ugly experience.

The Yangblog iPod now has Coltrane, Miles Davis, The Peel Sessions, Radiohead, Bjork, PJ Harvey, DJ Shadow, David Brubeck, Cornershop, Chemical Brothers, Massive Attack, The Clash, Beck, Stevie Wonder, and many other tracks which inspire and enlighten.

What is the first track I choose to test my iPod?

Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher".

This song is wrong on so many levels.

My apologies to hot teachers, non-hot teachers, and everyone who is not "hot for teacher".

Thanks for Sucking the Life Out of Christmas, Facebook

Actual conversation:

Abby: "You need to send me a gift on Facebook!"

Me: "What?"

Abby: "You need to send me a gift on Facebook. My other friends have sent gifts and you need to send one so they don't think you're a terrible husband."

Me: "Let me get this straight. You need me to send you a virtual gift because everybody else sent a virtual gift. If I don't, people will think I am a jerk because I didn't send a gift that REALLY DOESN'T EXIST."

Abby: " Exactly."

I have to run because I am writing a new application for Facebook.

It's called, "Superslap"

Mark Zuckerberg is getting the first one.

More Pre-Holiday Confessions

Since I don't want a lump of coal this Christmas, I thought I better get a couple of things off my chest. Santa, are you listening?

1) I am working on an illustration about oysters and the ecosystem. I don't know what they teach children in Hong Kong, but Abby must have missed the class on animal science. Abby was shocked, SHOCKED when I told her oysters are the water filters of the aquatic world. Abby loves oysters. You can imagine her horror as I went into graphic detail about the DISGUSTING CRAP oysters collect in their yummy bodies. Yesterday we went to a restaurant. Abby didn't want oysters. I told her to get clams. Abby was happy because she loves shellfish. I didn't have the heart to tell her that clams are also nature's trash collectors.

Apologies to my wife's psyche.


Snoopy as an instrument for torture? For Yangblog, yes.

2) Today I saw a photo of hot buns shaped like Snoopy. Suddenly pangs of guilt overcame Yangblog. Why? Maybe because as a young boy, I would LIE and tell my younger sister I saw a car flatten Snoopy. My sister loves Snoopy. She had Snoopy shirts. She had Snoopy toys. She would cry every time because I am a VERY CONVINCING ACTOR. Sometimes I would tell her I was kidding so she would stop crying. When she stopped crying, I would tell her it REALLY HAPPENED so I could watch her cry again.

Apologies to my sister. Not because of guilt, but because of fear. Let's just say my sister "knows people".

Hopefully I was contrite enough and Santa will cut me some slack.

Thanks for listening.

Tell Us A Slightly Disturbing Holiday Story, Yangblog!

During this season of love and brotherhood, Yangblog has learned an important lesson: You can always find room to hate. No, I'm not talking about Bostonians who now have teams in EVERY SPORT which are superior to teams in New York. In New York, it is fun to bellyache about inept teams. This is more personal.

I hate my credit card company.

My credit card company used to have a great program for redeeming airline tickets. You could book direct flights at any time. Unfortunately, the subprime mess has transformed my credit card company from best friends into UNFEELING BASTARDS. When I redeemed points for tickets, they booked the worst flight possible. The travel agent was rude. My flight would stop in Cleveland with a connecting biplane flight to Oklahoma. I tried to cancel but it was too late. The points were used. Tickets were booked. There is no refund. Blah blah blah. I explained to the agent I needed my points to redeem them for a giant inflatable hand so I could beat her about the head for being a COW.


Our flight from Cleveland/vtonly.com

To add insult to injury, the agent bullied me into flight insurance. I never buy flight insurance because flight insurance is for MORONS. She insisted I buy the policy because my tickets were SO CRAPPY I would be out of luck if my flight was canceled by an act of God.

So I bought the stupid insurance.

Afterwards I complained to everybody. I hated the credit card company. I hated the agent. I was an idiot for buying flight insurance. I was still venting my spleen when a funny thing happened this weekend as Abby and I were about to leave for the airport.

A snowstorm hit New York and our flight was canceled. The Yangs would not have to fly on a biplane. Most importantly, the insurance paid for our tickets. The agent who I had been trashing for the last month had saved our skins.

I am sure the lesson this holiday season is one of healing. Perhaps this is the season to love our neighbor. Perhaps, just perhaps, I was WRONG about the travel agent. Maybe she wasn't a hateful incubus. Instead of using the giant inflatable hand to slap her, I should use the giant hand to give her a giant THUMBS UP. Maybe she was my guardian angel.

If you will excuse me, I need to buy some flowers for the agent.

No, I'm not going to invite her for a holiday dinner.

The Yangs don't share dinners with cows.

Nope

Lucky you. Ice storms have canceled the Yang clan's winter weekend which means more Yangblog for you!

I cannot take credit for this link which I found it on James Alchuter's "Thursday's Daily Blog Watch" for TheStreet.com. It is the happiest customer review ever!

You may thank me later for solving all of your holiday gift-giving problems.

(Make sure to read the comments after the review)

Hey Yangblog, Why is Your Head So "Chafe-y?

I am off to visit family this weekend, so this seems like the perfect time for more confessions!

1) Clearly my brain needs "rebooting". While clipping my hair yesterday, I forgot the settings for my clippers. Normally I cut my hair down to 2 millimeters. I accidentally set the clippers for 1 millimeter which means I cut 50 PERCENT MORE HAIR than normal. My head now has the consistency of Velcro. When I put a wool cap on my head, I cannot take it off. My whole head is very "friction-y" and "static-y".



Apologies to my aching head.

2) Speaking of caps, Abby and I are participating in a church program to contribute a gift package for the homeless. I was supposed to buy a cap for the homeless. I ended up buying a cap for ME. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. The cap makes me look like Heidi. After showing the cap to Abby, she forbade me from EVER WEARING THE CAP AGAIN. The cap is now hers. As you recall, I once bought sleeveless t-shirts which I have also been forbidden to wear.

My apologies to Heidi. Apologies for mentioning my naked arms.

3) A few weeks ago I did an illustration for the Financial Times in London. Whenever I work with British clients, I try to be on my best behavior because I know the British image of Americans is Homer Simpson. (British friends have told me this.) My assignment was to illustrate the translating of "Madame Bovary". The editor ASSUMED I was familiar with "Madame Bovary" because everyone should be familiar with "Madame Bovary" if they want to more educated than a monkey. I SORT OF knew "Madame Bovary". My illustration had English translating into French. There was one minor problem with the illustration. "Madame Bovary" is a FRENCH novel. The editor assumed I made the mistake because Asians normally read from right to left. Not wanting to look like a twit, I went with this excuse.

Apologies to Homer Simpson, Asians, and Flaubert.

Dammit, Where Is That Voucher?

Everybody who may have crossed the intellectual property line regarding the wedding dance can breathe a little easier. I seemed to have misplaced my "Unlimited Monthly Rendition" voucher.

Crap.

It was here a minute ago. . .

You Were Joking About the Blackhawks, Right?

Kind of.

Maybe Yangblog has some friends in Washington. Maybe they work for the State Department. Perhaps Yangblog did a spot illustration for one of his "State" friends as a favor. To express his gratitude, he might have given Yangblog a "rendition" voucher.

Do not be shocked because these vouchers are given away like candy ALL THE TIME. But perhaps, just perhaps, my friend gave me an "Unlimited Monthly Rendition" voucher. Maybe.

If by any chance you find yourself in a foreign country and are asked to sign a "confession form", don't be alarmed. We got a great deal on a print overrun from a project in North Korea.

Just cross out "Beloved Leader" and pencil in "Yangblog". The rest of the form is fine.

Of course this is just hypothetical.

Probably.

Run Away! Rabid Yangblog on the Loose!

This week Abby received a link to a wedding video labled, "Best Wedding Dance Video EVER".

Here it is:



If you look here, you can find similar wedding dances.

For some funny reason, these dances seem to ring a bell. Maybe it's because ABBY AND I DID THIS IN 2001!!!!!!!!! Apparently, we started a trend and nobody told US.

This is very very bad news. Not for me or Abby, but for EVERYBODY ELSE. Trust me, everybody who is guilty better RUN. Abby is on the warpath. My people are collecting dossiers even as we speak. Teams are in Blackhawk helicopters awaiting word. There are three intellectual properties you NEVER TOUCH if you don't want the gates of hell to arrive on your doorstep:

1) Micky Mouse
2) Barbie
3) Chan-created choreography featuring Yangblog

Please keep in mind this list is not in order.

Who else was a witness to our dance? How about my friend, Dan, who happens to be a law partner who specializes in INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY? Yeah, that's right. My nickname for Dan is "Avenging Angel of Death". Dan's favorite hobby is "popping skulls like zits".

Here is the original dance:


Exhibit A: This dance premiered in New York, then toured to Hong Kong.

If you feel like you made an egregious mistake, here is how to make things right. Simply credit Abby and Yangblog for the dance and we will call the dogs off. An after-wedding mailer with a credit and heartfelt apology should suffice.

Otherwise, be prepared for an unexpected trip to Cuba.

Make sure to bring accessories that look good with an orange jumpsuit.

Hey Yangblog, Tell Us a Japanese Bathing Story!

When Yangblog travels, I do as the Romans do. If this means taking an outdoor hot bath with Japanese men, so be it. Since Yangblog strives to enrich and enlighten, here is how to behave if you find yourself in an Onsen surrounded by naked Japanese men (or women).

You may thank me later.

1) The bathing area is a PUBLIC pool which means the bathwater is shared by everybody. Sharing is the key word. You will find individual cleaning stations surrounding the pool. For the love of humanity, CLEAN YOURSELF before you sit in the public bath.

2) Thoroughly clean yourself so "stuff" isn't floating off you while you're in the water. If you are hair-on-your-back hairy, forget about the public bath. Trust me, NOBODY wants you there. "Back-hair soup" is not anyone's idea of a relaxing day.

3) It is not necessary to wash your head or hair before you go to the bath. A simple rinse is fine. You may shampoo and shower after the bath. Just make sure you don't dip your oily head and hair into the bath water. This will probably not be an issue since most of you will not want "boiled head" trauma.

4) Before I carefully dip into the pool, I like to say "Hello" in English if Japanese bathers are in the pool. This way, they will not be shocked when I SCREAM IN AGONY as I dip into the scalding water. Don't worry, if you are not Japanese, YOU WILL SCREAM.

5) Once you adjust to the water, you will feel relaxed. Really really relaxed.  It is impossible to feel stressed. Usually there is an indoor bath where you can adjust to the water and an outdoor pool for enjoying the scenery. The outdoor bath will make you happy as a clam. You will be so happy you will start chatting with other bathers in Japanese even if you don't speak Japanese.


One final Onsen story which should warm your heart:

One morning I was relaxing in the outdoor bath when two young boys dipped into the pool. They were probably 5 to 7 years old. Suddenly the 5 year old sneezed into his hands and WIPED HIS HANDS IN THE POOL. He then took his phlegm-filled head and SUBMERGED HIMSELF under the water. Onsens have a variety of pools at various temperatures. I immediately left the pool and dove into the hottest HARD-CORE-ONLY-FOR-THE-MOST-INSANE pool to sterilize myself. Even now I can hear my screams echoing off the walls.

I would love to tell you more, but I need to call my health plan.

I need to see if my insurance covers "skin grafting".