Notes from HK: Photos!

Let's get to the photos:


Jackie Chan designed stuff! I was shocked, SHOCKED when Abby told me he really didn't design anything.


MTR poster for a contest. If you win, you get a Hello Kitty dream wedding. I was shocked, SHOCKED that anyone would actually want this.


Director/Comedian/Actor Jim Chim goofing on Abby about her crappy gift at a cast Christmas party. I thought it was pretty funny until I saw my gift.


Wanna see your life flash before your eyes? Ride a minibus in HK. Last night, I was thrown from my seat as the driver WAS SLEEPING while careening down the road. Abby said I was overreacting. Yeah, right.


This is the best thing I have bought in Hong Kong. It is a pillow with an indention for your head and is filled with some kind of dried leaf. The saleslady said that whoever buys this pillow loves it. She is right. I have had the best sleep in YEARS because of this pillow. I can also use it as side impact protection when riding the minibus.

Notes from HK: Travel Confessions

As Yangblog readers know, my life is full of secrets that eventually bubble to the surface. Here's the Hong Kong edition:

Sooner or later, I will make a humiliating faux paus or mistake that could be interpreted as rudeness. There is nothing I can do about it. I also know that Hong Kongers basically cannot distinguish between English accents. Whenever I screw up, I pretend to be from England, Canada, or Australia.

My apologies to Commonwealth citizens.

Word on the street is that Mainland Chinese tourists are loud and boorish. Whenever I see a group of Mainland tourists, I get as close as possible. I figure I will seem less loud and boorish next to them.

My apologies to Gestalt enthusiasts everywhere.

Notes from HK: back up soon

Hong Kong version of a happy meal

The earthquake in Taiwan has wrecked havoc on Yangblog. The internet has been USELESS to anyone in Hong Kong for the last few days. Things are getting better and posting will resume soon!

Rest assured that I have been berating Hong Kongers and demanding answers as to why the earthquake has ruined everything for ME.

They are not sympathetic to my concerns.

Notes from HK: Dodging Bullets

Abby as the one-armed soldier

When coming to Hong Kong, there seems to be a list of things I enjoy doing since I do these things EVERY time:

1) Mindlessly buy any electronics because they are shiny
2) Play shockingly bad golf
3) Break stuff accidentally
4) Embarrass myself and anger Hong Kongers
5) Embarrass myself and anger Hong Kongers in front of Abby

So you can imagine my stress when I was invited with Abby to an after-show dinner by producer and director, Jim Chim. Jim is a very popular comedian/actor/director. Trust me when I tell you he is HUGE. It also happened to be my birthday. Jim and I started talking about the animated movie, "Happy Feet":

Jim: "So what did you think of the movie?"

Me: "It was the weirdest, strangest movie I have ever seen. I can't believe the acclaim it has gotten. It makes me sick!

Jim: "Interesting. I was asked to dub 'Happy Feet', but I turned it down. How was Robin Williams in the movie?"

Me: "He was the only decent thing in the movie."

Jim: "That's good to hear. I know him"

I nearly passed out from relief. I had managed to dodge not one, but two landmines.

It must be my birthday after all.

Addendum

Not so fast, cowboy. Here is a conversation at the same dinner:

Cast- " Hey James! What are you supposed to shout during our show?"
Me- "I don’t remember."
Abby- "You do remember, just say it."
Me- (Cantonese phrase with bad accent)

(embarrassed silence from everybody)

I was supposed to say, “Pretty little sister”.
I ended up saying, “Pretty little (male private part)”

Why me? Why is it always me?

Notes from Hong Kong: How Do You Say "Dork" in Cantonese?

You may be wondering why I'm posting so soon. Could it be that I feel a responsibility to keep people informed?

No.

Is it because I have nothing better to do? The answer is yes because my wife ACCIDENTALLY LOCKED ME IN A DRESSING ROOM WHILE SHE IS PERFORMING!!!!!! Her performance ends around 10:00. It is now 7:40.

The head of the theater company told me to make myself at home. I don't think this means breaking down the door. I have drunk MASSIVE amounts of water. My agent, David Goldman, told me to drink plenty of fluids while adjusting to a new time zone. Thanks David. There is no restroom in the dressing room. It is down the hallway. I have not heard a sound outside the door.

It looks like this is the end. I just wanted to say to everyone thanks for everything. It has been a wonderful life and I enjoyed the time we had together.

Oh death, where is your victory? Where is your sting?

Addendum: A young staff member just opened the door. She told me there is a button I need to press to open the door. The button is labeled, "open" in English.

Never mind.

Notes from Hong Kong: Did You Know This?

Did you know that MSG makes you really, really thirsty?

Sorry for the short post, but I have to go and drink a liter of water.
I would normally drink a gallon of water, but this is Hong Kong.

Notes from Hong Kong: Yangblog, You're Doomed Again?

After a 19-hour flight to Hong Kong, there are already some troubling omens:

1) I was seated next to two Chinese women in their 80's. This is just a guess. Let's say they were between 80 to 100. One woman gets out of my row to use the restroom. She gives me her slippers and points to her feet. She wants me to put the slippers on her 80-to-100-year-old feet. I did what any reasonable person would do:

* I put the slippers on her feet.
* I moved to another section of the plane.

2) Had Cup of Noodles on the flight. After finishing the noodles, I stared at the broth. The broth is MSG, which is supposed to be LETHAL for you. MSG is also supposed to be yummy. I drank the MSG broth.

3) I just finished reading a disturbing article about China in Time Magazine's Man of the Year issue. No, I'm not talking about the end of Pax Americana. This is more important. Here is a quote from Wang Xiaofeng, a blogger who is the "Bart Simpson" of China:
"Chinese people don't do irony like Israelis and the English. They don't have that making-fun-of-yourself gene."

If this is true, I'm in big, big trouble.

If you will excuse me, I have some international brushfires to put out. . .

Coming Soon: Notes from Hong Hong!

I will be making my annual trip to Hong Kong on Monday, where I will stay for a month. As friends know, "Notes from Hong Kong" is the birthplace for "Yangblog World". The format will be slighty different, but I hope you will enjoy it. When I become lucid again, I will start writing. Hong Kong is 12 hours ahead of New York time, so I will be writing to you from the future.

What other blog offers you that?

Hey Yangblog, What's the Funniest Thing You've EVER Seen on TV?

You have come to the right person. I am not an expert on the String Theory, Triangulation, or Nanotechnology. I don't know a thing about Mesopotamian Protohistory. As Yangblog readers know, I'm clueless about women. But what I DO know is television.

I was born in 1960. Here are just some of the things I saw on television before I was 10:

1) John Jr. Kennedy saluting his father's casket.
2) The Beatles first performance on the Ed Sullivan Show.
3) Raquel Welch
4) The assassination of Robert Kennedy.
5) The assassination of Martin Luther King.
6) Bob Beamon's record long jump at the Mexico City Olympics. The record still stands today.
7) Walter Cronkite telling us we had NO CHANCE to win in Viet Nam.
8) The first moon landing.

As you can imagine, I was scared NOT to watch television. It was at this tender age that I learned a valuable lesson: No matter what you do with your life, watch as much TV as humanly possible. What if you wake up one morning to a different world and you don't know why? Everybody else knows, but you FORGOT TO WATCH TV. Pretty scary. This is why I am the utmost expert to ask, "What is the funniest thing you have ever seen on television?"

Ready?

When: Early 70's

Where: The Carol Burnett Show

Setup: Carol Burnett plays an ugly woman. She has shaggy hair, oversized teeth, protruding forehead, and a thick unibrow. She looks like the Geico Caveman's twin sister. Brunett is at a formal ball wearing an evening gown and dancing with Harvey Korman, who is wearing a tux.

Korman: "So tell me, have you always had one eyebrow?"

Burnett: "I used to have two. . . but I shaved the top one off."

C'mon, that's funny stuff.

I Have a Point. At Least I Thought I Had a Point

Last week, I played football with friends in Brooklyn. This was our first time to play football in YEARS. On Monday, we were emailing details of our aches and pains. My post started with the following phrase:

"My groin is killing me. . ."

This is always a good Yangblog trick for a laugh, but there was one problem when I sent this email to friends: I ACCIDENTALLY SENT THIS TO ONE OF MY CLIENTS!!!!!! This breaks a sacred rule if you want to have a successful illustration career: Under no circumstances are you to ever use the word "groin" in front of clients. Here is a list of people that you CAN use the word, "groin":

1) Your Doctor
2) Your Spouse

That's it.

I was furiously researching "Damage Control" on Google when a strange thing happened. New projects were flooding into my mailbox. Projects were coming in at a furious rate! There is only one conclusion a rational person can make. The "groin" email was responsible for all this work.

"Ridiculous", you might say. "Maybe this is the seasonal time for increased work."

No, it was the "groin" email.

"What about the going out of town phenomena? Work always pours in just before you leave."

IT WAS THE "GROIN" LETTER!!!!!

"You're nuts. There has to be another explanation. Maybe people actually like your work?"

No! GROIN, GROIN, GROIN!!!!!! How many times do I have to spell it out for you?

As you can imagine, I am very confused. This means I have to rethink everything. All this time I thought Britney Spears was a bonehead. I was wrong. Britney Spears is a marketing genius.

Sometimes You Have to Tell the Truth

Yangblog likes to be ridiculous and entertaining, but sometimes you have to stand up for what is right and tell the truth. I've been quiet about this issue, it's a complete disaster, and I can't take it anymore:

1) The "leader" responsible for this mess is a former addict. He only got the job because of his dad. Things are spiraling out of control, everybody knows it's a disaster and he acts like everything is FINE! He is in denial and cannot face the truth. He pretends to understand, but nothing is going to change. It makes me want to puke.

2) The architects of this debacle are village idiots. When questioned, they tells us we don't know what we're talking about. They are arrogant and rude. These clowns stifle any dissent and if you dare to question them, you're shown the door. They attack the press for "disloyalty".

3) This mess is so painful, I cannot believe how far we have fallen. Things are NOT getting better. They've made a colossal mistake and things may not get better for generations.

I've had it. I am not going to watch the Knicks until they get a new owner and coach.

Why the funny face? What did you think I was talking about?

Yangblog, You're DOOMED!

Yangblog tries to be a classy, elegant, blog. A blog that enlightens, informs, and bridges people together. Then it gets ruined by news like this: Flatulence forces emergency landing.

This is very disturbing news. I am supposed to fly to Hong Kong in a couple of weeks. My plane is a Boeing 747 that seats 416 passengers. The flight will take roughly 19 hours. This is a Christmas holiday flight on Cathay Pacific which means a traditional Chinese celebration menu of burritos, steamed broccoli, and warm beer. My flight will BE CONSTANTLY FORCED TO LAND! By the time I get to Hong Kong, it will be time for me to come back home! Part of the route is over the North Pole, so there is a very good chance we will be forced to land on the North Pole. Oh, the irony! I go to Hong Kong to avoid the cold.

Yangblog is going to put a stop to this before it's too late. If you are on the same flight, come and see me. I will be in seat 37C. I will have enough Beano for everyone.

How Do We Live With the Lies, Yangblog?

I just came across an interview I did with Voice of America for Joey and Jet in Space. The article is in Korean, but Google has a test program which translates the article into English! Check it out. I know. I have no idea what the hell the article is saying either. Google needs to work on this.

Anyway, all this talk about language got me thinking about something controversial. This is so controversial it might split the country into two! Since the country is already split, this might split the country into four! Ready?

New York is an international city. You run into people all the time with different accents. I think most of these people are faking their accents. Here's my proof:

Exhibit A: Abby and I are with friends at a French restaurant. The waiter has a French accent. He is asking for our orders for dessert:

Waiter: (French accent) "What would you like?"
Me: "I would like a cafe au lait."
Waiter (Queens accent) "What's that?"
Me: "Uhhh. . . Coffee with milk"

Exhibit B: One illustrator who will go unnamed is German. Or so he says. Here is why I have my doubts:

1) He is usually late for poker
2) We once had an exhibit with very specific measurements for each piece. He messed up the measurements.
3) We once asked him to translate a German magazine article. He had no idea what the article was saying.

So I am surrounded by people living lies. I don't know about you, but it's the lying that gets to me. Why doesn't everybody just drop their accents and admit they're from QUEENS?

This might be something that is happening in Oklahoma too. If you will excuse me, I have find out if I am really Korean . Like Google, my mom couldn't translate the article either.